WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
