my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
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