i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
