Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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