every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
