Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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