Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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