I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
