piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Houston, we have a squirter
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
