When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
