i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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