areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
