god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
