I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
