before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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