FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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