Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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