I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
