A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
this beer tastes like vomit already
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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