Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
