So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Randomize
