I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize