First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I cut my penus on the lid.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
