You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
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