remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
