Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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