im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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