Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
