Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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