Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
