bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
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