I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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