sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
