I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
