Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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