I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
