I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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