Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
