I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
