Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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