Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
