Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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