im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize