You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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