Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
