Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize