dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
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