I can't watch pbs sober anymore
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
