After last night, I could never be a politician.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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