Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
