I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
