Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
