this beer tastes like vomit already
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize