We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
