Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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