It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Don't make out with my wife yet
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
