theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
