my mouth tastes like poor choices
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I wear drunk well.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
