I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
