you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Randomize
