I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
