I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
