Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
