Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Randomize
