im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Randomize
