I think I am morally bankrupt
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
