I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
