she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
