how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
My dad just said "fuck circus"
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
