look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
